My final goodbye to Faith
Current mood:
drained
Hello friends.drainedThis is just a short hello. I'm so worn out, weak, and numb. We went to the funeral home today so that I could say my final goodbyes to Faith. (omg just typing her name makes me break down :() I kissed and loved on her, put her hair into pigtails (they are going to cut her hair so that I can save it and make a shadow box). Then Robbie (the guy from the funeral home) promised me that he would take good care of her as if she were his own. Then he said he was going to take her to the back room (where they keep the caskets and urns) and put her in her little plastic casket from the hospital until tomorrow's cremation. I asked him if I could carry her back and he said of course.
So I reached down and gently picked her up out of her little rocking chair for the very last time. She felt so different today, so much stiffer than Thursday when I was dressing her for the viewings. I held her close to me breathing in the sweet smell of her hair and gently kissing that tiny nose. I carried her to the room and when we got in there he asked if we had a blanket. I got the one I'd made for her when I was pregnat with her so long ago. Robbie said that he felt one of the large beautiful caskets would be softer. my dad layed her blanket in the one Robbie picked out. I walked over to it gently layed my angel down and pulled the blanket up, tucking her in for the night one final time. I pulled her hands out from under the blanket, she always HATED having her hands covered and would manage to free them all the time. I fixed her ponytails, stroked her face, arms, chest, and legs, trying so hard to remember every single detail. I leaned over and kissed her several times and talked to her for a little while as tears streamed down my cheeks and onto hers. I finally kissed her cheek and quickly turned and walked out of the room and back into the room where she'd been since Thursday. I sat on a couch and sobbed so hard hopping it would release some of the excrutiating physical pain, but it didn't. God help me the pain is horrible. Nothing helps. I've cried so much that there are times I literally sit and sob, my entire body shaking but not a single tear.
Today was my final goodbye. Tomorrow she'll be cremated and I'll never again be able to feel her skin, touch her hair, kiss her nose here in this lifetime. People say it will get better with time but I can't imagine how.
We are home now, the house seems so big and empty, even with Chris and Abby here. It's amazing how one teeny tiny being could fill a house so much. I sit and cry at the drop of a hat. Abby's growing so much and is suddenly fitting perfectly into all of her sister's 6-9 month clothes.
There are times when I'm holding Abby and I'll start to cry. Then the strangest thing happens. Abby will look me straight in the eyes, calm and quiet and just look at...no...INTO me. It's a look I've never seen in her eyes before, then she reaches up and puts her hand on my tear soaked cheek and holds it there for several moments. Then she'll very slowly smile at me. At those moments (and it's only been a few times) her smile is very different than her usual smiles, just as big but different. This has only happened a few times since Friday (the private family viewing). Because of how different everything about her is in those short moments, from the look in her eyes, to her gentle/tender touch, to an extremely loving and understanding smile, I've come to believe that in those times it's Faith, looking at me through her sister's eyes, touching my face through her little sister's hands and smiling at me through her sister's face...all to tell me "I know you're hurting mommy, let me wipe your tears. I can see you now and when you look at Abby, know that you're seeing me too. I can send you smiles through my little sis to let you know that I remember you, mommy, and I love you."
Thank you God for sending me Abby. She's my link to my angel in heaven.
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4 years agoAngela
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4 years agoYou are amazing. Dawn has been sharing you and Faith with us at EE since you were pregnant, and your strength and trust in God has been such a blessing to me. Faith has been a blessing to all of us. Thank you for sharing her and you with us all. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you grieve your precious daughter, and I will definitely remember her always. Tons of Hugs to you.
~Cindy (booga)
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4 years ago- Reply
4 years ago- Reply
4 years agoStay strong! You are a truly amazing person and especially mother. Hold Abby close and never let her go and know that Faith is living on through her. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Katie
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4 years agoI just dont know what to say.I dont want to say something that will prolly not make any sense.
Your words make me cry,i can only imagine how you must feel actually going thru it.Your little baby girl is with Jesus and they are both looking down and smiling at you.I was Abby's age when my sister passed.Your little Faith reminds me of my sister.Both fought and proved doctors wrong.I wish i were with you so i could give you a big hug and just comfort you. I pray for you eveyrnight.for you,your husband,daughter,your whole family.And i do believe its Faith looking at you thru Abby.I really truly believe that.
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4 years ago- Reply
4 years ago